Women who are victimized by date rape, or rape by a total stranger often blame themselves for the attack. One commonly hears statements like, “I shouldn’t have been drunk,” “I should have gone home with a friend,” I shouldn’t have worn that miniskirt.” Public perception and criticism of women who have experienced date rape when they are intoxicated, or when they flirted with a guy, or stayed with an abusive boyfriend exacerbates feelings of guilt over the rape. High profile media cases can add to guilt and shame as the public and the media may attack the victim for behavior that they believe may have risked rape.
However, date rape is not a punishment for risky behavior, or a consequence of it. It is a willful act of violence perpetrated upon a person who has declined sex or was unable to give consent due to incapacitation. What happened before the rape does not make it permissible for a person to force sexual intercourse upon another person.
Still most women who experience date rape blame themselves feel shame that they have been raped and try to rethink their actions. Guilt in one sense deflects other more intense feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety, and despair related to experiencing trauma. Further, guilt may provide a person with a sense that the rape occurred because the person did not adequately control the situation. This illusion of control can give one the feeling that better control in the future would prevent random violent events from occurring.
Many who experience a traumatic event like this are liable to feel out of control. Blaming oneself suggests that control would have been possible. This is not true. No one really has control over someone who would perpetrate such a crime. The feeling of constant danger can have a detrimental impact on the victim-it shatters the illusion that bad things happen to others, but that one will somehow remain safe.
It helps to remember that date rape is never the victim’s fault. While there are situations a victim may be in that puts them at risk, these decisions do not influence a rapist. A rapist is going to rape regardless of the signals one sends or the actions one should or should not have performed.
That being said, the best way to help with feelings of guilt, which can be pervasive and last for many months or even years, is to get help. Private counseling, group therapy, and the many sexual assault hotlines available can help one learn not to place blame on oneself. Especially in group settings, it can be very therapeutic to know that many others are fighting the same battle against blaming themselves.
It is true that riskier behavior may put one in more vulnerable situations. To feel safer, many women feel comforted by pursuing self-defense courses, and by learning more about date rape and the circumstances under which it is most likely to occur. Many college campuses also offer advice on how to avoid risky situations as well as react to a potential attack. Deciding to press charges against a rapist may also enhance feelings of safety, and assign blame where it belongs, on the rapist.
Strong feelings about a date rape can recur for months and years after the attack, so having a good support network is one of the best aids for getting through this trauma. To start, those in the US can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE. If you would prefer to talk in person with someone, one can also speak with a helpful member of the clergy, a trusted teacher, a school counselor or the local police department. All of these resources can give you assistance in finding the support you need to cope with feelings of guilt, and the other emotional pitfalls that occur after experiencing violent trauma.
