Here's my story (very long I’m sorry). I hope this helps anyone who reads it. I have been drinking for the past ten years. I binge drank heavily through years eight and nine (usually four days a week, solid drinking morning till night over the weekend period) and for the past year, it gradually erupted into full alcoholism.
I remember earlier in my drinking years, I could always go out on a night once or twice a week, get smashed, then go into work next day. I'd be hungover but not anxious or irritable or anything of that nature. I just generally felt crappy.
As the years went on, my partying got harder and harder and that's when I finally started feeling my first bouts of anxiety. On mornings after a heavy drinking session, I always felt so anxious and irritable and basically had to lock myself away in my room for the day until the symptoms subsided because I felt too uncomfortable to be out doing things or even being around anyone.
I fell into the trap like many others of using alcohol to “cure” this reaction so I could actually feel calm and do something with my day. So basically, I would start drinking again in the morning and everything would be fine. I would essentially feel normal again. I would even do this while staying at friends’ houses after nights out and they would laugh and call me “hardcore” for starting drinking again at 9 a.m., but really I was only doing it because I knew if the anxiety kicked in and I was there I would freak out! I felt very uncomfortable being around people when the anxiousness kicked in so it had to be done for me to operate and act normal and at least get home!
These bouts of “masking symptoms drinking” would typically last a few days then I would consciously make the effort to taper off on the fourth and fifth day to ease the anxiety. On the sixth day, I wouldn't drink and would typically stay in my room for the day feeling anxious, and then usually the day after that I’d be O.K. I'd then stay sober for three or four days then start the cycle again.
I'd normally knew that about four or five days drinking was my max binge time and I very rarely went over that limit, because each day of drinking beyond that made my anxiety get worse each morning after.
When the real trouble started, I had been on a holiday and basically drank 24/7 for 10 days solid, longer than I had ever done before (beer, wine, spirits the lot). After this, when I tried to stop, the anxiety was even more intense than before and I started experiencing other symptoms as well that I had previously not encountered. I found this very unnerving so again I turned to the alcohol to make it go away.
I realized I had now crossed a line I hadn't crossed before and as it got worse and worse, I needed more and more drink to keep me feeling normal. By now I was drinking from morning until night, constantly every day. To make a long story short, at my worst, I remember writing down that I drank 26 bottles of lager, three medium sized bottles of brandy and two bottles of rose wine throughout that one day. This was a typical pattern (some days worse than others) that carried on until I was eventually deteriorating and completely ran out of money as I was now unemployed.
I had covered it up for so long and this was the point where I finally cracked and told my family everything. They were so supportive and I felt so thankful to have that support and understanding. It was just before this point I went into real withdrawal. My symptoms were as listed: extreme anxiety to the point I couldn't even sit down to watch TV or read because I simply felt too uncomfortable, so I was basically just walking and pacing around my house all day and night because I also now had insomnia and I never felt tired. It was total mental torture. This intensity went on for three days solid and was not subsiding. I ate about a mouthful of porridge in that whole time frame and that was it.
I was sweating, shaking, having disturbing thoughts, waves of mood swings and feelings of being scared.
I had a lot of audio hallucinations -- usually strange noises and sounds like violins and rhythms playing and random thuds, voices (scary, I know) that sounded like they were coming from another room. I dropped cigarette ash on my carpet and that turned into a black insect (the hallucination lasted about four seconds) and also I saw light flashes and trailing strobe like movements when I moved my hand in front of me. Another thing was the involuntary body movements. Usually, my arms and neck would just move on their own and my body would jolt when I would try and relax.
My throat swelled up and made it very hard to swallow anything and my tonsils and the side of my mouth were covered in white dots, as were my lips. I'm assuming this was because my immune system was running so low it couldn't fight infection.
I threw up on myself quite a few times while lying in bed (all over the sheets). I had bizarre dreams when I finally managed to get some sleep (usually about an hour) and would wake up with tremors throughout my whole body and rattling the bed. I also had random spells of crying and abnormal eyelid movements when blinking. To top it off, I also had bad 'brain zaps' while all this was going on -- a strange, constant buzzing electrical type sound in my head that was very irritating and strange – oh, and a slightly swollen, puffy face.
I was convinced I was soon to have a seizure as I had everything else and heard so much about it but thankfully, I never did.
I eventually knew I had to go to A&E, so I got a family member to get me some alcohol so I could get drunk and be calm enough to actually go there. After the drink, I instantly felt “normal” and very calm and happy and relieved. They were no help at all at the hospital, to be honest, and just sent me home with basically nothing to go on apart from some drinking advice. Three days later, I was back in again as I went back into withdrawal due to the bad advice the doctor gave me while I was there.
This second time, I saw a much better doctor who advised me to start recording my drinking in a log daily. I started by drinking just enough to keep myself out of withdrawals, which was around 30 units a day but not get drunk either -- just a steady level to stay calm. I just wanted to be off the stuff because my withdrawals were so bad I never wanted to experience that torture again.
I did this and it kept me functioning normally until I got the help I needed from my local drug and alcohol team to get a detox (long waiting list on NHS). Over the next 59 days after that hospital visit, I was drinking constantly (except when sleeping), sipping slowly to keep the withdrawals at bay 24/7. It worked and I was sleeping and eating normally again. I eventually got down to 19.5 units a day on my own. By this point, I was strictly drinking one type of lager (4.8 percent alcohol), so I knew I was tapering down safely and efficiently.
I got the go-ahead for a 10-day home detox on librium and acampiosate and I can honestly say I didn't feel one single withdrawal symptom. Not even a shake. I was shocked it worked so effectively! It was like a miracle because I was convinced I would still feel some sort of symptoms lurking under the effects of the drugs -- but nothing!
I have been fine and clean ever since my ordeal and I can honestly say I feel even better now than I have in over 10 years. I guess I'm very lucky in that sense. It's also inspired me to go on a health kick and have so much more respect for my body. I also learned so much from my experience; it was all for the best.
Alcohol traumatized me so much that I've never looked back. All I think now even when I fancy a pint, is why in the heck would I want to go back there to that place? Why?
Would it make sense to jump into a hungry shark-infested swimming pool? No. To me, it's the same with the alcohol. At least the sharks would just eat you and get it over with, unlike the alcohol where you're in a constant state of extreme suffering and torture!
But that's just me and my personal logic on the matter and where my head is now. It takes time and it does take a lot of strength.
I've taken the time to share my story because you only know how bad it is if you have experienced it first hand. I have so much empathy for people suffering now I am also very aware that everyone is different and it affects people very differently and people deal with it differently. There always seems to be some underlying issue though, that triggers this, I think that's what most of us have in common if that's the case.
To anyone suffering now and who feels hopeless, I remember feeling exactly the same. I remember thinking that it was going to last forever and no matter what I read, or anyone told me, there was no actual way out; it was just words. It was damn right scary and gloomy and I had a feeling of raw hopelessness.
But trust me, it is possible There are so many people out there like me who are living proof. It's just a shame that some of us have to hit rock bottom or lose everything to get the motivation to actually do it.
Only you can make the choice and choosing to stay living in a crippling nightmare of a reality certainly doesn't make sense now as I look back. If that's where you like to live then so be it; it's you're life and your choice, no one else's. The place I live in now is calm, structured and full of happiness. It's great living here. Obviously, the former was much easier said than done at the time, but I now see it as the truth.
Make the choice, and if you want truly want to get out of this, firstly make sure you're ready. Be smart. Get a plan together with help of a professional to safely regulate your drinking until you get the help you need and never be afraid of seeking advice. Life's too short for that. Get in touch with you're local team get all the help you can! It's there for the taking right now. That's what I did and look at me now! Blessings to all and good luck.